so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
