I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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