I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
