I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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