I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
