im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize