I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
