Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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