Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
