i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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