listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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