Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
