i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
