the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
