i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
