It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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