Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
