My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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