we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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