my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
