is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
