we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm passing your future prison.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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