Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
