Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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