I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
