my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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