the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
