you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
