I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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