John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
