What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
