I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
