please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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