She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Sorry my hands just texted you
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
