According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
