God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
so explain again why im purple
no
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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