Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think a kid would responsible me up
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize