community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Blood and glitter go together right?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
