I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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