I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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