Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
