Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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