your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
