Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
