i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
