Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We're too hungover to prance.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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