So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
