youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she told me i tasted like america
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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