I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
