Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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