I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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