maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
