nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
