i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
