hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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