I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
