Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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