This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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