yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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